dear baby boy

finding out the sex of your baby is supposed to be an exciting time. however, sometimes when you find out that the little bugger inside of you is not the sex you had expected or dreamed of, this can be very upsetting. society tells us that the right answer is always that we don’t care unless our baby is healthy, but sometimes that is simply not true.

i am going to be honest on this post and say i was a little sad when i found out it was not a girl. i think i had convinced myself so much it was a girl that i was almost mourning the loss of the little girl i was no longer going to have. i am not a bad momma. i am just human. but because of that, i decided to write a note to my sweet little baby boy :

 

dear baby in my belly

today i had an ultrasound and they confirmed that you were a little boy. i am going to be honest with you, i cried. i cried because i have always dreamed about having a little brown haired girl, and i had convinced myself that you were her. and then the nice lady told me you were not.

i was sad, not because i didn’t love you, i was just sad. and the the guilt set in. the kind of guilt that tells a momma she can’t ever feel sorry for herself. the kind of guilt that tells you to suck it up. the kind of guilt that tells you, you have no right to complain. what right do i have to complain / what about woman who can’t have kids. what about woman who have children with medical conditions,or disabilities. what right do i have to be upset that i didn’t get the girl i have always dreamed about having when i had the most healthy baby boy swimming inside my belly.

so i am writing this letter to you to say i am sorry. the first of many times i am sure. i was sad at first, but please know that is not a reflection on how much i love you.  i do already love you to the moon and back. your ferocious kicks and flips already melt my heart. you little button nose on the ultrasound already tells me that you will look just like me.  i already know that you like when i eat smoothies and strawberries. i already know that the sound of your brothers screeches make you lay still, but your daddies voice always gets you kicking.

i need you to know sweet baby that when you get here, i know you will give our little family the balance it needs. that you will help to teach your brother that he is not, in fact, the center of the universe. that you will remind your momma and dadda that they are, in face, not half bad at this whole parenting business. i know you will soften my heart, you already have. i know that you will fill our lives with an added measure of love, you already have.

i look forward to your mini fingers and toes. i look forward to your snuggles and your little wide eyes. i look forward to all the ways you will be just like your big brother. but i especially look forward to learning about all the things that make you … you

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