enjoy it while it lasts

i have two boys ages 2 and under. i’m not complaining about that. ok, well, maybe i am a little bit. but i know that there are people who would give anything for a house full of laughter & chaos. but right now, in my actual life, i have two boys. there are many moments where they are utterly delightful, like last week when straton did my workout video with me. right there by me. the whole time. water bottle and all. or when sawyer gives me a giggle session in middle of the night when i go to feed him, making me forget i have not gotten any sleep.

but there are also many moments when i have no idea how i’m going to make it until their bedtime. the constant demands, the needs, are fingernails across the chalkboard every single day. i am convinced straton for sure going to be the next genius. he has a precise vision of what he wants — exactly that way and no other way. sometimes it’s the way his cup has to sit in a certain spot next to his plate. or the order in which some of his games are placed. he is not satisfied until it is exactly right. 

the comment i keep getting lately, is “enjoy it while it lasts.” and while i know its true that they grow up too fast … feeling like i have to enjoy every … single … moment …. does not really feel like a gift. it feels like one more impossible thing to do on my already too long to-do list. not every moment with two boys is enjoyable as a parent. it wasn’t for the people who tell me that phrase in the grocery store. they have just forgotten. but that little phrase always makes me feel guilty when i …..

can’t wait for them to go to bed.
yell at them because they yelled at me.
when the sounds of BOTH of them crying at the same time makes me want to drink and never stop.
when i can’t figure out how to make them eat my healthy meal and give up and let them eat the noodles + olives.

but today is the day i am going to stop comparing. stop reading about how to raise the next steve jobs who can read a novel by age two. i am going to embrace the kind of imperfect parent that i am – and be the parent who says sorry when i yell. be the parent who models what it means to take time for yourself. and just focus on being the better version of myself, not necessarily the ideal parent.

i am bone tired. and i am not sure when it’s going to get better. today might be a good day or it might be the day that i lost it in a way that surprised even myself. breathe in. breathe out.

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