personal note :: surrender

yesterday i sat out on the porch at almost dark. the air was cool and still and i was struck by a quietness in the neighborhood. sometimes i think about what it means to live in a place. this is where i live. this is the building that i reside in. i eat here. i sleep here. this is where i have stuff. but somehow i can’t get past the feeling that even if i were to be the owner of this home, any home for that matter it would still feel like camping. i have this impermanence that i can’t seem to shake.

i moved to the pacific northwest five years ago. it meant a new beginning for me in many layered ways. my twenties were full of so much uprooting (my own doing) that i didn’t even consciously realize how used to being unattached to people and things i had become. wherever i was, i always knew i would be leaving soon. and unfortunately for me (and my husband) i spent my first four years here with that mentality. the impermanence was there, i allowed it to be and i was ok with that. so four years in and i had no new real, deep connections. no kindred souls. i had a wonderful group of real connections back home, but the distance didn’t allow for the deepness i needed. so in the end i was left with four years full of ache and loneliness.

when our lease was up a while back, we almost moved out of state. but then because life can throw curve balls your way … we didn’t. we stayed. and while we will most likely relocate out of state when the circumstance are right … we are here. and i have finally surrendered to that. that release has actually brought an overwhelming sense of peace to my life. i have finally opened myself up to both give and receive from our current dwelling place. i have opened myself up to allow whatever, whomever might come into my life in this season. i can’t live one foot out the door (even though my gypsy soul begs me to). its not fair to my family. its not fair to myself.

i have this sneeking suspicion that life never lined it all up for us to move, because i never fully surrendered to being here, and whatever it was i was supposed to learn from this place. so im doing that, and throwing the future to the wind. we will see what happens from here 🙂

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